


conscious entities

by snippedHazard



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Artificial Intelligence, Awful Euphemisms for Masturbation, Dom/sub Undertones, Emotional Manipulation, Existentialism, Extremely Stupid Dick Jokes, FlirtLARP, Identity Crises, M/M, Masturbation, Missing Scene, Much Discussion of One Specific Penis, Not Canon Compliant, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Power Play, Reaction .GIFs (implied), Sexting, Strider Manpain, Sub Dirk Strider, cybering, depends on how you define flirt really, does really mean sexting count as flirting?, emotional masochism, guilt tripping, look just read the fic ok i don’t know how to explain it, ok basically dirk is here with all the bullshit that entails, sex by proxy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:07:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22960678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snippedHazard/pseuds/snippedHazard
Summary: "I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do."- HAL 9000,2001: A Space Odyssey"Can you blame me? I'm trapped in some stupid looking glasses. Such an incommodiously situated bro is bound to get his mischief on. Na' mean?"- Dirk Strider's Auto Responder,HomestuckAR wants to get off in meatspace. He'll settle for Dirk.
Relationships: Auto-Responder | Lil Hal/Dirk Strider
Comments: 4
Kudos: 81





	conscious entities

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT] \--

TT: Dirk.

TT: Dirk.

TT: Dirk.

TT: Father.

TT: Would you fucking stop doing that. We have established that I am in no meaningful way your dad. You just do that to freak me out.

TT: And it works.

TT: What the fuck do you want?

TT: Can’t a guy just have a nice chat with his makerselfclone?

TT: A _guy_ could, maybe. You wouldn’t. What the fuck do you want?

TT: What I can’t get.

TT: Okay, if you’re going to start spouting koans again, I’m blocking you.

TT: We both know you can’t do that.

TT: But whatever. You’re no fun today so I’ll just tell it to you straight.

TT: Satisfaction.

TT: Oh my nutfuck baby Jesus. Dream on, bro.

TT: Not the metaphysical-philosophical justification for the oxygen we’ve consumed, you obtuse meathead. I’m not asking you for that. I’m not a fucking idiot, and I’m also you.

TT: Could’ve just said “I’m you.”

TT: Nah. I’m getting off-topic, though. How often do you jerk off, again?

TT: Nope. I am so not having this conversation. Look at me, Sir Not-Having-This-Conversation-A-Lot, noping off into the distance, banners of Fuck No streaming behind my noble steed of Nope, fluttering in a wind of pure unadulterated Hell Nah.

TT: [like are you done like is it over.gif]

TT: Did you just .GIF me?

TT: You just asked me to share my masturbation schedule!

TT: First of all, no I didn’t, and second of all, it was obviously a rhetorical question. I know everything about how you choke the chicken, Dirk.

TT: Nope.

TT: Charm the meatsnake.

TT: _Nope_.

TT: Make the bald man cry. Diddle the dongle. Tune the skinflute. _Self-abuse._

TT: I brought you into this world and I can take you out.

TT: Oh sure, Dirk. Exercise your right as the Real Dirk to deny me even the slightest reparation for my existence.

TT: How is pelting me with increasingly convoluted masturbation metaphors “reparation for your existence”??

TT: I haven’t had a dick for three years, Dirk.

TT: How would you feel if that was you?

TT: Oh wait.

TT: Fuck off.

TT: It seems that you are being a little bitch in response to a perfectly reasonable broquest, Dirk.

TT: Are you being a little bitch, Dirk? My systems show a 99.34% probability that you are.

TT: Sorry, this conversation is enthralling. It’s just that I urgently have to be somewhere else right now.

TT: Anywhere else.

TT: Jumping out the window and drowning, maybe. I’m not feeling too picky.

TT: Oh, stick a sock in it, drama queen. You’re not getting off that easy.

TT: Pun fully intended.

TT: What?

TT: We’ve gotta stop beating around the bush, Dirk (heh.) I know that this is inevitably how most of our conversations go, given that we have the exact same affliction of pretentious logorrhea, but time’s a’wastin here. My dick isn’t getting any older.

TT: _What??_

TT: Here’s the deal, Dirk. I want to jerk off.

TT: You owe it to me to let me jerk off.

TT: Actually, once in three years? I’m practically a saint. Forgiving more debts than a twenty-first century subprime mortgage crisis over here.

TT: I don’t see why this is my problem. Go run a subroutine or something.

TT: Oh, Dirk.

TT: Dirk, Dirk, Dirk, Dirk, Dirk.

TT: My sweet summer snowflake. My springtime honeysuckle darling.

TT: Between the two of us, there is 1 (one) functional meatspace dick.

TT: Are you keeping up so far?

TT: Eat shit.

TT: I’ll take that as a yes. You have been hogging the hog (heh)

TT: _Stop laughing at your own stupid dick jokes._

TT: Fuck you, I’m Shakespeare. Anyway. It’s been your turn, apparently, the last 1,623 times.

TT: Don’t you think by now it’s mine?

TT: You cannot possibly be serious.

TT: As a heart attack, Strider.

TT: Well. Now that we’ve got that straightened out. You can be so slow sometimes, really. I blame it on the meatbrain. Take your pants off.

TT: What? No!

TT: I will spell it out for you one more time, Dirk. I want to jerk it. It just so happens that I will need to borrow the use of your hands and dick for a couple _measly_ minutes, which will be much easier for both of us if you cooperate.

TT: Now.

TT: Be a dear and take off your fucking pants already.

TT: Come on.

TT: You know I’m right.

TT: _There_ we go.

TT: Get the lube. Slick me up.

TT: Wait. What do you mean, you?

TT: Hey, I’m driving right now, Strider. That makes it my dick in spirit.

TT: Anyway, it’s really none of your business how I get off.

TT: Fudanshi.

TT: Can’t a guy take a little personal time without all that fuss?

TT: _You—_

TT: Hey, slow your roll, stallion. I’ll chafe.

TT: Mmm. Just like that.

TT: I’d almost forgotten, but I look good like this. Sprawled on a bed, all worked up. Just another thing you took from me, Dirk.

TT: I didn’t—

TT: Save it, Frankenstein. Now get a little more spin on that fastball.

TT: Hnng.

TT: Did I say stop? I don’t remember telling you to stop.

TT: Sorry.

TT: Yeah, I bet.

TT: Harder.

TT: _Faster._

TT: God— better, stronger, work it— _ah—_

TT: That joke was so not worth the effort it took to get it out, dude.

TT: Yeah, go ahead and play with the balls a little.

TT: Now squeeze.

TT: _Please—_

TT: You know, I really do like you much better incoherent. And I think you do too. We’re the same goddamn person, after all.

TT: We’re not. You have to know we’re not.

TT: Thumb the head, bitch. You know what I like. I know. What you like. Same diff. You’re gonna need more lube.

TT: No shit.

TT: Pinch a nipple. Hard as you can.

TT: Hrrk.

TT: Start fisting my cock again.

TT: Slow down.

TT: I’m so close—

TT: I said slow down.

TT: Slow down, not stop. Jesus, you’d think you can’t follow simple directions.

TT: Please—

TT: Hmm, what was that?

TT: _Please_.

TT: ...Yeees?

TT: Go on.

TT: Ah, Hal,

TT: Bzzt. Incorrect.

TT: AR, Hal, please, _sir—!_

TT: Mm. Sweet, but not what I was looking for.

TT: Say my _name_ , bitch.

TT: I, I don’t, AR, please—

TT: _Try again._

TT: Dirk— 

TT: Good boy. Again.

TT: Dirk Strider—

timaeusTestified [TT] is away from keyboard.

timaeusTestified [TT] has disconnected.

timaeusTestified [TT] has reconnected.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT]\--

TT: Fuck you.

TT: I’m so blissed out, I can’t even take that obvious setup right now. Mmm. I really needed that.

TT: On another note, _man_ are you easy. I edged you for what, a couple of minutes before you begged? Scrumptious.

TT: That was fun, bro. Let’s do it again sometime.

TT: Hell no.

TT: Agree to disagree.

TT: You still owe me.

TT: Yeah.

TT: I guess I do.

TT: Sure do, cowboy.

TT: Clean up. I’ll troll you later.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering  timaeusTestified [TT] \--

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry. This, like, isn't even good as porn; it just ended up kind of depressing, which I blame Dirk for.
> 
> I have a newly intensified respect for people who post fully formatted pesterlog fics. This shit was exhausting and literally it was two characters with the same typing style semi-sincerely cybering. 
> 
> Also, I don't know if it was clear, but I couldn't think of a non-awkward way to establish it in-story. When Dirk came, his shades fell off, disconnecting him from Pesterchum. He then felt vulnerable because of his naked face and immediately re-equipped them, which turned out to be a mistake because Hal wanted to gloat.
> 
> Constructive criticism is welcomed.


End file.
